Baby Steps

I am currently pregnant with my third child. This child, like the others, completely blindsided me with her decision to arrive exactly at the time when I thought I was the least equipped and least desirous of the role of mommy. But here she comes. And I'm very, very glad. I used to think that kids kept getting in the way of my career. Then I thought that my career kept getting in the way of my kids. Now, I think that there's GOT to be a way to do everything I want to do, and do it all really well. Without killing myself, figuratively or literally. With #3 on the way, I know I have to be over-prepared. I need to be emotionally and mentally present and aware. I need to kick ass. So, I need the tools in my toolbox to be able to effectively manage house and finances and food and kiddos and wellness and schooling and ambitions and my relationship with my husband. This will involve delegation and shrewd attention to detail. Neither of which am I particularly good at when it comes to my family. So, here I go.

Baby steps.

The sensation of feeling a life growing inside of you is indescribably powerful and humbling. I love to really allow myself to get all hippie about it. I dramatically caress my belly in yoga class. I communicate with my baby, and tell her how joyful I am that she is coming. I imagine a passionate and connected birth, where the baby emerges from my body on a beam of sunshine. I really get into it.

I relish being pregnant, despite the growing list of (minor) complications that occur with each go-round. My veins like to expand and then explode. My back was 'adjusted' during a car accident in '07 and all the bending and pulling makes for some sensations that are annoying at best, excruciating at worst. By brain seems intent to test the resolution of my nutrition beliefs, craving everything terrible under the sun.

But it's all so very worth it.

Each pregnancy has been different in some ways, similar in others. Just like the children that are the result of the process. My two daughters that are currently here seem like they couldn't be more different, but each embodies characteristics I recognize in myself, which is all at once gratifying and horrifying.
Dealing with each individual personality, giving it respect and care, and responding appropriately to two very different people requires executive management skills that would surely make me look like a viable option to Donald Trump. There is little preparation for the staggering mental and emotional control that is required for shifting gears from child to child. For parenting the individual and not the collective. For understanding that there must be a different approach with equal attention paid to both (or all) tiny humans vying for your attention and love. But I am determined to kick ass. Because I apply myself, dammit. And I am good at stuff. And this is one of those responsibilities I can't get lazy with.
I. cannot. screw. this. up.

Here I am. Trying, every day, to be better than the day before. Trying to clean more thoroughly, parent more effectively, organize more creatively, partner more amicably, and indulge more wholeheartedly in the beautiful family I am lucky to take care of. I came upon this quickly and mostly by accident.

But that's for a different post. This post is to tell you that I am here, I am trying, and I am excited to see how the future unfolds. And that I am not entirely sure what this blog is for, other than for documenting my trials and errors, and my successes, through this time of transition and growth. Thank you, Internet, for making it so easy.